Comedian and activist Rickey Smiley once posted, “Parenting is not a popularity contest,” adding that sometimes the best way to deal with disrespectful children is by cutting off communication. It's a raw and provocative statement...one that invites both agreement and reflection. While it may echo the frustrations many parents feel, it also opens the door to a deeper conversation about how we raise our children, what we model for them, and how we define discipline, love, and respect.
I raised my daughter and son on my own from the time they were just three and four years old. They are now successful adults, 29 and 30, navigating the world with clarity, confidence, and compassion. From the very beginning, I made it clear: we were a team. That was the mantra. We are in this together.
Even at five and six years old, I treated them with the same respect I expected in return. I didn’t bark orders. I didn’t lean on outdated ideals that demanded blind obedience. Instead, I spoke to them with dignity, listened to them with curiosity, and disciplined with patience rather than punishment. Because the truth is, respect is not something we extract through fear or silence...it’s something we cultivate through example.
The brilliant James Baldwin once said,
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
That quote is more than wise...it’s a mirror. Children become who we are far more than who we tell them to be. They don’t always absorb our instructions, but they soak in our energy, our habits, our tone, our choices. If we move through the world with kindness, integrity, and self-respect, chances are they will too.
This doesn’t mean it was easy. Parenting rarely is, especially alone. But I made sure my children knew, every single day, that they were my priority. Not my job. Not dating. Not distractions. Them. I was their village. My circle was small and intentional. If you saw me, you saw my kids. I didn’t date seriously until they were in high school, and even then, those dates were infrequent and cautious. I was there to drop them off at school, and I was there when the final bell rang. They didn’t ride a school bus until my son’s senior year at Stephenson High in Stone Mountain, Georgia.
Throughout their school years (from daycare to high school graduation) I consistently heard the same thing from teachers:
“Mr. Shaw, your son/daughter is so respectful. I never have a problem with them.”
That meant the world to me...not because I wanted validation, but because I saw the quiet proof of what we had built together.
My daughter graduated top five in her class, earned a full scholarship to Georgia State University, then to Emory University, and completed a Master of Science degree. She was awarded the prestigious Fulbright Scholarship, a testament to her brilliance and perseverance. My son too has made his mark, navigating life with compassion and intelligence. But I don’t share these things to boast. I share them to say this: single fathers can raise extraordinary children. Gentle hands can still build strong foundations.
Another cornerstone of my parenting was spiritual freedom. I refused to force religion upon my children. Christianity had been imposed on me and my late brother...without room for doubt, questioning, or choice. I saw organized religion's shadow side: the control, the guilt, the centuries of greed cloaked in holiness, hoarded in the golden vaults of the Vatican. I refused to pass that chain down to my children. Instead, I encouraged them to read...to question, to explore, and ultimately, to find their own path. I told them never to let anyone, including me, dictate their spiritual or political beliefs. Read, I told them. Read everything. Know the world, and then decide.
Parenting, to me, was never about being feared or adored. It was about being present, being consistent, and being loving. I chose to be the kind of adult I hoped my children would one day become. Not perfect, but principled. Not rigid, but rooted.
In the end, it’s not about raising kids who obey. It’s about raising adults who think, feel, and act with empathy and strength. That’s the legacy. That’s the quiet revolution of parenthood. Whether you're a mother or father, married or alone, rich or struggling...what matters is the soil you sow, the water you pour, and the light you offer.
And if you do it right, your children will grow strong...not in your shadow, but in the warmth of your example.
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